I somehow feel like I'm a dog.
No, not a b-i-t-c-h,
but a slave that kinda thing.
Okay, not slave,
follower.
Anyway, the whole day
I have been ignored by the two people
who makes me smile.
Used to make me smile.
Dionne didn't walk home with me today.
Wants to stay in the library.

You know,
I've been trying my best to please EVERYONE.
Well, everyone that I know.
Vincent ask me to stop saying vulgarities,
I stopped.
Dionne wanted to study in the library,
and could not/ did not,
want to walk me home.
I didn't object.
Aglin and Lyn play and leave me out.
I didn't join them cos I know if I did,
it would be one of them who gets it,
so I sort of keep quiet,
and got left out. Pleased them. I guess.
There are alot of things which I did in order to
make them happy.
I make them happy,
who makes me?

Imagine,
Aglin, Lyn,
Dionne & her good friends from Brd,
Charlotte and her NDP friends/ St john friends,
Vincent and the CCSS Cornerstone boys.
Su Tieng and the CCSS Cornerstone girls,
If I were with these bunch in a whole group.
I'd either be walking by myself,
or when no one is looking,
slipping away home.
I'm always an outcast.
Other than in primary school.
I remember that me and Dionne,
or
me, Janice and Jessica would walk from the canteen
to the toilet and turn to the library,
pass the choir room and back to the canteen,
walking in circles,
more like squares,
until the bell was going to ring,
or when we noticed we were walking to no where.

Pleasing others is hard.
I'm tired, but I guess I'm so used to
trying to please everyone,
I kinda can't kick the habit.
I think I have serious Attention Problem.
Whatever.
I've been hurt countless of times,
but I don't usually sound it out.
I don't want others to be bothered.
And no one bothers asking.
If I put:" I'm crying."
in my MSN personal message,
maybe 1 or 2 will nudge me and ask,
but if Aglin, Lyn or Dionne puts that,
I'm pretty much sure,
they'd get more than 6 people.
See, I have serious Attention Problem.
Getting jealous, pshh.
As if.

To tell you the truth,
I don't really have GOOD friends in CCSS.
Cornerstone people are like,
my only company.
Okay, not really only.
But right now,
I've learnt to treasure things and friends.
And family.
I hate myself for being such an idiot.
Of course I knew Dionne had her reasons
why she didn't/ couldn't walk me home
and I didn't tell her what happened in school.
Or what I was thinking.
Maybe I'm living up to my name..
Giving others happiness,
and being happy.
Well, too bad it didn't write there:
Giving others happiness means to give up my wants.

Kidding,
I'm happy to make others happy,
but this time,
I'm not, cos I'm really suffering.
Ok, I sound cheezy and pathetic.
I'm just tired, can someone just understand?

Labels: Bad Day

oh don't think you know me ;
4:40 PM;